Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Marcus for President 2012 - Scab and Booger Consumption Reduction Act

I recently met someone who I think may be a real life scab eater…have you ever just looked at someone and felt like you could see through them and into their dark secrets? Well, I have and on this occasion I can tell a scab picker-eater when I see one.  Funny thing is, I don't think most people who suspect this woman as a scab eater as she is very attractive, but I know one when I see one...

I had a girlfriend back in my NYC days who when I probed why she left her last boyfriend who was one of the highest profile investment bankers in Europe…truth be told she caught him eating a large booger he had picked from his nose when he thought she was sleeping. Bankers don’t just steal all your money, they eat boogers too!

I’ve been contemplating what to do about these unhygienic and heinous acts and have concluded it we must register scab and booger eaters as you could be on the wrong side of kissing one of these people without being warned of the remnants that may be in their mouth! I don’t think we should totally ostracize these people so I will endorse 12 step programs for scab and booger eaters to get help.

Vote for me in 2012 and I promise to defend you against such perpetrators of ill hygiene and in the meantime keep your scabs to yourself.

If you're interested in learning more about scab eaters, the Urban Dictionary definition is: Somewhat self-explanatory; a scab eater is someone who regularly consumes dried blood that has collected in a recent wound on their person.
Confessions of a Neurotic Mind

Marcus for President 2012 - Canada & Mexico Act

I can't begin to weigh in on the loads of bullshit and pork being thrown around on this health care fuck fest. Politicians could really mess up a two car parade...they complicate everything as it makes their existences seem justified and their fluoride soaked brains somehow smarter.

Let’s move on to more pressing subjects…Canada and Mexico. I like Canadians a lot, I really haven’t met any a-hole Canadians although I’m sure some exist. I like Mexicans too, hard working peeps with spicy food. So, if elected your President in 2012 I promise to work hard to incorporate them into America or I might just give the keys to the US over to Canada and then we’ll take in Mexico for a nice spicy taco celebration.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Marcus for President 2012 – Freedom of Soda Act – Putting Cocaine Back in Cola

I think I’ve made it clear to this point within the first 90 days of office I will have ended the drug war and by imperial decree either given you your money back wasted on all that and/or put it into education. With drugs being legal, the Bull Moose Party hereby declares the Freedom of Soda Act whereby Coca Cola and the other bottlers can go back to the good old days and give us cocaine in Coca Cola versus all the sugar, chemicals and crap.

What a way for all you fatties to lose weight as well with the wonderful side effects from cocaine suppressing your appetite and very few calories!

For you Coke and Pepsi lovers, here’s the Anatomy of Modern Day Coke….

Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile? It’s because it gets you high. They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago. You know why? It was redundant.

In the first 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.

20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)

40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.

45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.

60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.

60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.

60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Marcus for President 2012 - Truth in Hair & Stimulus Act

When I first started campaigning in the Fall of 2009, I was throwing around a figure of around $18k per every person alive in the US had been spent on stimulus of one form or another…to which my question was, don’t you think a better system of stimulus would be to cut you and your family a check directly? People told me I had the number too high…turns out I was too low and that doesn’t even count all the money spent on bullshit wars to fund the military industrial complex we call a democracy…

So I propose the ‘Truth in Stimulus & Hair Act’…demanding a full accounting of all stimulus funds and to know what politicians use toupees and hair implants. All toupees shall be sacrificed symbolically during gladiatorial games in our new coliseum formerly known as congress.

Back to the stimulus bullshit…Oh, that’s right…you’re not educated enough to understand it because of the system of education they provide you (and can no longer afford) to know how to spend money, plus if we allow “the system” and our friend’s interests to collapse “utter chaos” will reign, the world will end and ‘the insurgents’ will take over…sadly most people still buy that line of bullshit…recently the numbers have been leaking out and would you believe $28,333.33 for every man, woman and child TO PAY FOR $8.56 TRILLION BAILOUT THUSFAR?

That means a family of 4 would have gotten about $112,000.00 to pay off all of your debts! If you don’t owe anything, there would be nothing for you to pay back so you could pay cash for cars, homes, furniture, appliances, electronics or anything you wanted… or you could even invest it in real estate, gold, platinum, silver, diamonds, etc! Now that would stimulate the economy like nothing ever in all of recorded history…but again you need a legion of leeches to tell you how to spend and administer the money…

I like this excerpt from :

But, what about AIG, Bear Stearns and all those other investment banking corporations? Excuse my French… but fuck ‘em! When you fail miserably, embezzle shamelessly and steal ruthlessly, you should reap shame, insolvency and punishment…not receive billions of dollars as a reward. We do not need these failed enterprises and the corporate thugs who ran them and us in to the ground. When they die, other honest and more capable companies will take their places. That’s the way it should be, shouldn’t it?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Marcus for President 2012 – Moon & Space Sex Funding

You may have heard that Obama cut NASA’s budget and objective to get back to the moon with a governmental colony by 2022. When I started my company and website (it’s being redone and is down now because the first release they did sucked) I had no idea I would be competing against Uncle Sam.

Well, they’ve bowed out for now, but if I am Uncle Sam I can change things and as your Dictator, oops, I mean President again I promise to re-direct plenty of money to moon colonization so we Earthling’s can more quickly experience the benefits of SPACE SEX.

Parties on the moon will be awesome too until someone hurls…

By the way, the government has already spent some of your tax dollars designing a space suit for two people to fit in so they can shag...and the Russian's reportedly beat us to the space sex of the cosmonauts managed to get pregnant in space and the baby didn't have two heads...

Monday, March 8, 2010

Marcus for President 2012 – Autobahn, Trains & Road Warrior Act

First, through funds I confiscate from ExxonMobil and Halliburton for the people, we shall build an autobahn network for only cars across the U.S. The only stipulation is cars can only go above 80mph if they operate on something other than fossil fuels. No trucks allowed at all as too dangerous at high rates of speed. Also, no stupid people allowed. Stupid people in this case would be those persons who don’t know how to get into the right lane after overtaking another car or a faster car comes up behind them.

This is where the road warrior act comes in. After high beaming or honking at said idiot, you will be allowed to take more ‘decisive actions’ such as ramming, flame throwers, harpoon gun etc.  Alongside the autobahn network we will put in high speed rail as the rail system in this country has been a joke compared to the rest of the world for long enough because uncompetitive and nasty rails system keeps people on clogged orads to help further fund the Bush family’s friends in Texas / the Middle East.

Last but not least, commercial trucks using highways and other roads from now on will face steep fines for speeding starting at $1,000 a pop. I don’t blame the existing and needless reckless public endangerment on the truckers. The industry has lobbied congress for years and truckers get paid by the load hence incenting them to take risks and drive at dangerous speeds, so this will come to an end as well and we'll change the incentives to be geared towards safety.

One other area we are going to join the rest of the civilized world is speed cameras in places where public safety is paramount such as neighborhoods where children play, dense cities like New York City etc. etc. The police should be focused on doing other things than writing tickets to drive city and state revenues. I also look forward to the cameras giving steep tickets to the assholes who like to block traffic flow sitting in the middle of an intersection after the light is red.

All of this will again be accomplished by imperial, oops, again I mean executive order / decree. Hopefully by this stage congress will be a coliseum and we will be entertained by gladiator matches of former congressmen fighting lobbyists, bankers and other corrupt officials.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Marcus for President 2012 - Monuments and Roads Act

The first component of this act is you are not allowed to have a road, monument, airport etc. etc. named after you if you are still alive. Having lived in the south, I was always amazed how they would name roads after preachers and corrupt politicians still alive…enough of that narcissistic craziness, in the Northeast and most of Europe you have to be dead first as it should be.

Existing roads named after people alive will be changed to names from Star Wars, Sponge Bob and Tin Tin comic books. The Stone Mountain Georgia confederate memorial is going to get a face lift with Sponge Bob being added to the charging horse memorial. Mount Rushmore will be getting Bob Marley smoking a joint and my favourite US General old Blood and guts Patton.

I’m thinking about adding an imperial walker to the front lawn of the white house, but I’m open to other suggestions…just remember…Marcus for President 2012, because “everything’s more fun with Marcus”

Friday, March 5, 2010

Marcus for President - Ides of March Proclamation without Representation

For the likely large percentage of Americans who don’t know what the Ides of March signify in modern times, it is the day Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 B.C. The 15th of certain months had other historical significance, with the 15th of March being a festive day dedicated to the god Mars (believe it or not the world existed before Jesus).

Anyway, in remembrance of Julius Caesar the Ideas of March shall be a national holiday where citizens wearing togas will be entitled to free wine, cheese and olive oil parties across the country. The parties shall be sponsored by your new administration who shall acquire these funds by confiscating Halliburton and ExxonMobil’s assets as I have decided as long as we still have oil around the profits should benefit the people of America.

Don’t worry, we won’t squander it all on fun, when you’re not off illegitimately starting wars, creating more terrorism and spending half the treasury on the military, spying etc. it leaves you with a lot to spend on your people.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Marcus for President - New Rules for Lobbyists - Campaign Promise # 5

I did some research on lobbyists and found the numbers interesting as well some Washington Post reporter trying to defend in essence most lobbyists by selectively deconstructing what he called 'myths'. First some of the varying numbers...

there are now 12,553 federal lobbyists registered in Washington, down from 14,800 at the end of 2008, and well below a record 15,137 in 2007, according to the Center for Responsive Politics, a nonprofit group that tracks such activities. In the wake of tighter ethics rules imposed by the Obama administration for people who are official lobbyists...

Industry executives, congressional aides and lobbyists say companies and special interest groups have terminated the lobbyist status of people on their staffs and are calling them by new names...

The 'real' number of lobbyists in Washington is over 90,000 -- not including their support staff....

The Post reporter attempts to make the point that lobbyists perform an important service writing papers and viewpoints on complex legislation etc. etc.etc. My questions to him and you are:

1. Why does it have to be so complex and hard for people to understand? Truth be told it doesn't...

2. Don't people elect their representatives based on their viewpoints and what they are told during the election process?

I could go on a while about that one, however, I'll just get to the campaign promise...if elected your president, all official and unofficial lobbyists in Washington DC will be required to wear black leather fetish gear and suits or skirts

Lastly, the punishment for any law developed, influenced or linked to lobbyists and congressmen that results in children being unjustly or inconsequently (a) hurt (b) killed (c) malnourished (d) homeless (e) sick shall be shirtless public spanking in black leather pants for 12 hours on the national mall after ingesting a complete exlax chocolate bar...

Gladiators & Congress - Marcus for President 2012 Campaign Promise # 24

As I discussed in Campaign Promise # 3, I think states and local communities should have MUCH greater say in how they run their communities, spend money and far less federal taxes, bureaucracy and BS. To start with, I think those bums in congress should spend 80% of their time in their home states and districts versus getting their knees dirty with corporate lobbyists.

To address this problem I plan on dispensing with many of congress' powers and give states their authority and much of their money back currently being sucked away by congress. I shall turn congress into a Gladiator Coliseum for entertaining the masses. We can have matches between corrupt politicians and bankers to start and then expand to child molesters, rapists etc.

Of course as your Emperor, oops I mean President I will need to retain the television rights for these excellent games.

I approve of this message…Marcus for President 2012